The core of my love

I've found that some people aren't looking for friendship. They want the frills that go along with whatever screwed-up idea they have of you and what you're willing to give to them. They don't want the companionship. They want the perverse joy of waving at you and having you wave back, they crave the twisted way they can make your stomach roll over twice when they make you feel like it's all your fault. It's not your fault. I've found most everyone has either a pre-formed, ill-formed impression of me or no impression at all. And the basis of every being is the need to work at being Special. That's what life is. Life is carving away what is exactly the same about you as everyone else until all that's left is your exposed, naked and mundane soul. Because there really is no need for you to try so hard. You want to shed the parts of yourself that aren't original. You can't. Your very core belongs to someone else. It's rightfully owned by whoever made you (Whoever you believe in -- the centre of your belief system, basically).

And friendship;

Friendship's just become another taboo we're not supposed to uncover. It's an F word. And we've become a generation that goes against that taboo and we throw around the word 'friend' so loosely that it becomes another part of teenage novelty.

You don't become someone's friend until you truly understand them. You can be acquaintances, even if the word comes out looking cold and impersonal. What's really impersonal is that you can't even fathom the thought that maybe your 'friend' doesn't think about you the same way. You're not friends until you can hold someone's hand and prop her back up when her heart's about to fall out of her rib cage from the pressure of the consistent stabbing of her back.

You don't make friendship a commodity until you decide you want to use someone for your own personal advancement and advantage. It's........ I don't quite know how to explain. It's like I crave friendship and I give so much of myself to my friends, I don't quite know what's left in me to discern whether these relationships are real or not.

All these things that I have done

I'm so much older than I can take
(I think)

+/-

I have a feeling I'll always been alone. And it won't go away given any circumstance.

Youtube

Ok! I've deleted my youtube videos and am going to start vlogging again!

Oh, and I found film at the bottom of my Solar System school bag while I was clearing it out, so... whoever I meet later on, I hope you're in the mood for taking pictures or are just effortlessly photogenic.

Conversation yesterday
Secondary 3 girl: Why do you read magazines backwards *gives disgusted look*
Me: Why do you read magazines forwards?

I also watched Harry Potter and bumped into Frances at the cinema. HP was good and I do not understand why there have been so many bad reviews about it! No spoilers, I shall divulge. And my mom didn't like it that much. But I have loved every HP book and movie, but not as much as Natalie. Natalie stakes claim over all the Internet for being the Original Singaporean Harry Potter Fangirl. So if that's you walking along the corridors of St. Nicholas remarking on how much you like Draco Malfoy, then proceeding to proclaim yourself as the biggest HP fan ever, You have not met Natalie. And you would probably annoy her very much if you two should ever meet.

I ate popcorn from a cauldron and drank out of a wizard's hat.

The man in front of us insisted on removing his arm rest and sprawling between two seats, because arm rests are soooo below him and are for lesser people. Whatever.

Revelation

Atonement

I am jealous of the stranger living in my position, the one who can be counted as part of my exterior shell, who, in fact, is my entire exterior shell. The alien who accepts the way this cycle works - hurt, apologies, smiles, forgiveness (give or take the minutes it takes to forget the ones you've offended); laughs freely, is obnoxious when needed, quietens herself in the face of her Maker, comes off as a bit too interested in what the world has to offer... but all this because she is Okay. She isn't "Not okay" and sure as hell does not have days where she even begins to fathom what it would be like if she were "Not okay".

And if the Alien living as Me can put a tick next to society's checklist (Doesn't think about what would happen if she weren't alive? Check. Smiles when someone says Hello? Check. Gets angry when aggravated? Check.) then I am problem-free. But what if I decide to rear my ugly head in place of this Stranger/Alien/Complete Polar Opposite? What if I decide to think about what would happen if I weren't alive (I do); and stop smiling everytime someone greeted me (Well on my way there); or stare blankly at the space behind you when you provoke me? Then does that make me different? Finally?

And if I'm not Okay with restricting myself to the person I've built up the past 15 years?

It starts like this: the person you thought you were begins to slowly tear herself up; the process is slow but it exists. And then slowly, she leaves and there's no more fight for power, because you've won the first battle. But now you subject yourself to the highest highs and the lowest lows. You become less immune to tantrums. And you're no longer social. And anxiety is the norm for you (again) and it feels like even the simplest things become decisions you have to make (Should I breathe? Should I think?).

And then the real self-effacing stomach-sinking-to-pit moment happens and you realise that you are no longer You. And your friends start to leave you -- abandonment that's quiet and guilty (they know they should stick around, but they can't). They leave because they can't find a way to stay. And you think to yourself, that if there was blame to be put on shoulders, it would be theirs. They're too weak to handle me. But you know that the truth is, You can't even handle you, and that's why this monster that's been hiding in your body is now exposed, and you find yourself indulging in old habits (bad habits)

And you know the problem is you. So yeah... when it comes down to that, I don't know who will still be there. For now, I'm Okay. But tomorrow... tomorrow, I'm not so sure.

Firetruck.

About 7:36AM
I've been up since about 6.50, woke up and couldn't get back to sleep so I studied Organic Chemistry. Studying whenever I can, trying to patch up the holes in this little study schedule thing whilst hoping Hard Work is a good look on me. Going to watch HIMYM and Nip/Tuck after this. Will probably be yawning by the time I go for the wedding. But revising is important and it is beginning to consume my entire day. I work my entire schedule around it... but that's important right now... Yeah I'm a nerd *spontaneously combusts into a leprechaun carrying Ten Year Series*

Slept at 1 last night after I spotted a lizard on my ceiling (right above my head) as I lay down on my bed. Then proceeded to usher it out of my room using a paper ball repeatedly tossed NEAR it (not AT it... lizards have feelings too you know). Then fell asleep. Tiredness is next to Me Sleeping.

Potter mania has hit. Sigh.

Funny boys make me smile. Yes, it's not a lie. Read some Elle article about girls with short hair (me) who like articulate, funny guys (me). If you are articulate and funny, please show yourself. But only after November 13, thanks. If you have some pop culture knowledge, that's good, but even better if you can tell me who was in the latest supplement of Time (thanks Mrs Tan, you who generously donates your old copies of Time to the school library regularly). If you can form a complex sentence with double negatives, all WHILE remaining coherent and eloquent, I'm there.

Now I shall go back to watching HIMYM..... NPH is bringing sexy back one suit at the bar a time

Everyone has H1N1

I am aware I've been boring lately

Andrew MacMahon looks like an older McLovin'

Vanity Fair (the 2008 Young Hollywood issue) Random spammage ensues after the full stop.










I will be taking a life-altering examination in 3 months time. If I do well, I could go where I want to go. If I don't, then I won't. I won't. I don't know. Hate to sound like a victim of an ill-constructed education system, but... I mean, it's not that bad, but it's bad. Periodic tables, Qualitative Analysis (?), etc... at the expense of morals and basic decency.

No idea what I'm talking about

I get an A for being able to draw metaphors out of thin air

I will not be going to church tomorrow as I will be attending a wedding. And then there's Sunday. And then Monday rolls around and the week passes by. Then Saturday is Hillsong. Then Sunday. Then Monday, etc etc etc You get the idea

Need to take a nap then revise Chemistry and Biology!

Last night at the library we took a break and exchanged second-hand texts with Greg. Talked about REALLY OLD PEOPLE we do not know. Well, not REALLY OLD, within the range of 23 to 34. Yes.

I need something to blog about

Today everyone decided it was "Hate Sarah Day". I'm serious. I got emotionally abandoned by everyone for no effing reason. Yeah I don't really semi-curse. I can feel a lot of anger (mostly sadness) coursing through me now which is weird because I was calm at the start of this... But Mavis told me a cute joke

Mavis: What do you call something that's black and white, then white, then black, then white, then black and white again?
Me: I do not know
Mavis: A penguin rolling down a hill
Me: Hahahaha cute!

Mavis: Ok, what do you call something that's black and white and laughing?
Me: A laughing penguin
Mavis: Close
Me: A penguin after hearing this joke
Mavis: No
Me: I don't know
Mavis: The penguin who pushed the first penguin down the hill

Conversations

My mum is so cute

(talking about going to the wedding of this guy whose family has a history of being sexist and racist)
Me: why do I have to go? it's not like he'd come to mine even if I did invite him
Mum: because he will only get married once
Me: what makes you think he's only going to get married once?!?
Mum: second one you don't have to go

and

(talking about scene kids. she thinks they're called scene kids because they are 'seen' everywhere)
Mum: are they the ones with mullets all over the place?
Me: how do you know what a mullet is? (I meant this curiously, not in the YOU ARE LIVING UNDER A ROCK way. trust me, she reads US Weekly, she's def not living under a rock) billy ray cyrus?
Mum: nope, you told me before. business in the front, party in the back

if you would ask me

I don't feel like it everyday.

Sorry Sarah, I can't churn out funny posts like you. Right now I just feel like my heart has crawled out of my ribcage and into my throat and its just. Lying there. Biding its time. One day it'll fall out onto the plate before me and everyone at the party will look at me awkwardly for a while before bursting into laughter.

I feel like one by one, all my friends are going to get tired of me and my stupid anxiety attacks and my sick sad feelings and just get up and go. Quite possibly this will happen very soon. I mean, one can't deal with the same girl crying and throwing herself into corners weeping, right?

Which is why I don't want to ask certain people, "why aren't you there for me like I was for you?" because I feel like they do have a reason for this.. desertion

OK SORRY FOR THE EMO BLA BLA BLA I JUST FEEL SO TIRED OF MYSELF AND I CAN'T HELP FEELING THIS WAY ALL THE TIME. AND ANOTHER FRIEND JUST TOLD ME "MAYBE ITS CUZ YOU TAKE SO MUCH AND YOU DON'T GIVE" THIS MAKES ME WANT TO CRUMPLE AND FOLD INWARDS.

because i do give, i give so much of myself till i feel like i'm a vacuum of other people's feelings.

ok, WHATEVER

MY LIFE IS AWESOME

also, i have a cheesecake baking in the oven.

i love you,

N

Death and All His Friends

No, I don't want a battle from beginning to end
I don't want a cycle of recycled revenge
I don't want to follow death and all of his friends