I am jealous of the stranger living in my position, the one who can be counted as part of my exterior shell, who, in fact, is my entire exterior shell. The alien who accepts the way this cycle works - hurt, apologies, smiles, forgiveness (give or take the minutes it takes to forget the ones you've offended); laughs freely, is obnoxious when needed, quietens herself in the face of her Maker, comes off as a bit too interested in what the world has to offer... but all this because she is Okay. She isn't "Not okay" and sure as hell does not have days where she even begins to fathom what it would be like if she were "Not okay".
And if the Alien living as Me can put a tick next to society's checklist (Doesn't think about what would happen if she weren't alive? Check. Smiles when someone says Hello? Check. Gets angry when aggravated? Check.) then I am problem-free. But what if I decide to rear my ugly head in place of this Stranger/Alien/Complete Polar Opposite? What if I decide to think about what would happen if I weren't alive (I do); and stop smiling everytime someone greeted me (Well on my way there); or stare blankly at the space behind you when you provoke me? Then does that make me different? Finally?
And if I'm not Okay with restricting myself to the person I've built up the past 15 years?
It starts like this: the person you thought you were begins to slowly tear herself up; the process is slow but it exists. And then slowly, she leaves and there's no more fight for power, because you've won the first battle. But now you subject yourself to the highest highs and the lowest lows. You become less immune to tantrums. And you're no longer social. And anxiety is the norm for you (again) and it feels like even the simplest things become decisions you have to make (Should I breathe? Should I think?).
And then the real self-effacing stomach-sinking-to-pit moment happens and you realise that you are no longer You. And your friends start to leave you -- abandonment that's quiet and guilty (they know they should stick around, but they can't). They leave because they can't find a way to stay. And you think to yourself, that if there was blame to be put on shoulders, it would be theirs. They're too weak to handle me. But you know that the truth is, You can't even handle you, and that's why this monster that's been hiding in your body is now exposed, and you find yourself indulging in old habits (bad habits)
And you know the problem is you. So yeah... when it comes down to that, I don't know who will still be there. For now, I'm Okay. But tomorrow... tomorrow, I'm not so sure.
