...

Gotten bored of me shifting blogs all the time? You're about to get even more bored.

I promise from within the depths of my soul that this is the last one in a long time

Sorry people who bother finding out where I blog all the time, I have to keep you on your toes you see. But this is the final one. PROMISE. Because the username is special and stuff

NATALIE NG HUI SHAN ROCKS

THANK YOU DANSEDESUBURBIA FOR TELLING ME ABOUT THIS I LOVE YOU

The trailer still matches my blog. Haha. Ok. History tiemz.
Yes I'm spamming all my thoughts before I withdraw from blogging completely, or semi-completely

Hahaha

I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid.
It was terrible. I didn't know how to react.

Surrender

"God is using you in mighty ways He just told me to drop the wanderer from your blog name. You are no wanderer He says :)" - Nat

The idea of complete surrender intrigues me.

I'm not in school. So my sore throat has escalated into a cough which is shockingly recovering now? My throat does not hurt at all now. You have to hurt before you become new again I can ~*proverbise*~ every little event in my life so well. thismighty........ Me. Had great conversations this morning. Sometimes I just need some encouragement. Thanks guys

I'll probably not be blogging that often now. November 13th!

Elephants

I'm sorry I've been such a downer lately :( Fun blogs soon! After Penang.

Elephants
If the elephants have past lives, yet are destined to always remember, it's no wonder how they scream. Like you and I, they must have some temper

And I am dreaming of them on the plains, dirtying up their beds watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads

And how dare that you send me that card when I'm doing all that I can do? You are forcing me to remember and all I want is to just forget you

If the tiger shall protect her young and, tell me, how did you slip by? All my instincts have failed me for once, I must have somehow slept the whole night

And I am dreaming of them with their kill, tearing it all apart, blood dripping from their lips, teeth sinking into heart

And how dare that you say you will call when you know I need some peace of mind? If you had to take sides with the animals, won't you do it with one who is kind?

If the hawks in the tree need the dead, if you're living, you don't stand a chance, for a time, though you share the same bed. There are only two ends to this dance

You can flee with your wound just in time or lie there as he feeds, watching yourself ripped to shreds, laughing as you bleed

So, for those of you falling in love: Keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right; throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night


- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Elephants says:
haha yeah
it describes a real situation though. it's like
someone likes someone but they know they have to let the person go
and they can't
and the person keeps drawing them back
it's like no matter what they do they can't forget. sigh
it's so beautiful

it's like sometimes when i like someone
i really give them all my emotion? it's extreme
and then it's like

it's so hard to let go because
you get so used to thinking about the person all the time


- - - - - - - - - - - - - -


This is the way I know you are always on my mind. Because even though today was full of chaos (misguided attempt at eating an apple to cure my sore throat; 4 bottles of Chinese herbal tea; pirated cable; good floorball; English) I can't help but mention you the first chance I get

Or maybe it's me being a teenager. Either way it's beautiful, I wish I could bottle it and sell it but it probably wouldn't do that well because nobody needs to buy a vial of an emotion they already have

Elephants says:
but sometimes it's easier to pretend to be happy
than explain to them why I'm sad

I'm going to depress you one by one

The week/weak in Bears.

Today on my walk, backdropped (not a word, but it will do) by Rachael Yamagata, typed into the Notes section of my iPod:

Smells like rain and I'm glad I made friends with the Sun today. Me and my friends (who weather through themselves) share the same thoughts and things we say are buried in hills of cement and clay.
The bears come out to play and I reckon this to be a test of faith of another kind. So I will make the bears my friends and we will dance with the Sun tonight.
Now the sky strips off its coat of violet and it is black underneath. And I start to wonder if these bears are still my friends. The smallest one tries to hold my hand. But it grazes its paw against my feet and leaves a mark and I know danger when I see it... I really feel it.
I saw the Sun with its rays tucked to its sides; a flaming friend that smiles at me; tells me to be free, not to worry that the bears have lost their warmth. I chased it across the wheat. The bears are after me and I CAN'T SHAKE THEM OFF. The Sun held one of its rays outstretched. The Sun said, "You are My daughter and I am the Son."


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Is this pain going to take control of me? (You have to be with me) God, in Your power, could You make some sense of this? (Fighting for You only) God, if I crumble, could You take me back to forever? So I could love You beyond this."
- Landscape of the Beginning

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Letters scribbled on church service bulletins

When you're young and you have a crush on someone who doesn't really like you as much as you like him, just shrug it off. You're both going to grow up into wonderful people and think back and be able to laugh about the situation. Like... I could've liked you ten-fold how you liked me and now when I think about how you never wrote on my facebook wall back when I was fifteen, I LOL.

- Older Me to Future Ex-Boyfriend & Present Me

I feel better.

I THINK I MIGHT HAVE FOUND MY SOULMATE!?!?!?!?

This morning I scribbled down
"Give me grace to look beyond the malice and god, give me strength to weather through 16." and then I wrote a whole entire song with like A MELODY and VERSES and SHIT. WOW. Like, I know I say I always write songs, but I don't. Lah. I write lyrics that happen to fit into nice chord progressions (which are all the same. I FAIL.). Hehehehe. But now I feel accomplished. And happy. And content.

(He does read my blog)

I feel like Dan Humphrey. I caught Season 1 of GG on DVD and then gave up watching it. It is a nice show, though. My favourite things about Josh Schwartz are Chuck and The OC. And the fact that he married Rachel Bilson's best friend.

Which goes on to exemplify how much I like love stories. I romanticise everything. EVERYTHING. HELP!!!!!!

Singapore is so small.

Sigh. No. Resigned sigh. Hahaha

I wonder if people find my bad jokes funny. DO YOU FIND MY BAD JOKES FUNNY? Like when we were taking our temperature in the morning (in school) and my temperature was 35.2 and it was 35.4 the day before, and I was a bit disconcerted by my cold-blooded nature so I told Brenda, "I'm just your regular half-reptile, half mammal. I'm a remmal." I then proceeded to laugh long and hard. That's what she said. HAHAHAHA ew.

Cass: Sarah, I like how the jokes you find funniest are your own.
Me: I NEED TO TWEET THAT! I NEED TO TWEET THAT

I did tweet it. But at this point, everyone's like, "Yeah ok, is there anything you don't tweet?" To which I simply answer, "No, no there isn't."

In the quiet beneath the trees, do you remember the days that were so beautiful to me?
I still maintain the desire to have more songs with horn sections in them.

I wish I had perfect sentence structure. Then my life would be PERFECT too. I'm going swimming today. And studying Social Studies and Chemistry by the poolside. I'm a Libra-- we're all about *~balance~*.

It always should be like this.

Claustrophobia.... right.......

WROTE A RIDICULOUSLY LONG PARAGRAPH ABOUT HOW EVERYONE KNOWS EVERYONE'S BUSINESS AND EVERYONE IS SO PAINFULLY HIP THAT THEY DON'T REALLY KNOW IF THEY SHOULD ACCEPT THAT YOU'RE A PATHOLOGICAL OVER-THINKER OR SMILE AND BE POLITE INSTEAD OF GETTING TO KNOW YOU

Realised I hate divulging secrets and that everything could be summarised in one sentence

I've been editing and deleting! *feels better* what's with my compulsions? I feel compelled to do the strangest things, make the strangest things look nice, make the strangest things look ugly...

I want to know my fate if I keep up this way
It's hard to want to stay awake and everyone you meet they all seem to be asleep
You wonder if you're missing your dream
You can't see your dream
You can't see your dream
You just can't see your dream

The core of my love

I've found that some people aren't looking for friendship. They want the frills that go along with whatever screwed-up idea they have of you and what you're willing to give to them. They don't want the companionship. They want the perverse joy of waving at you and having you wave back, they crave the twisted way they can make your stomach roll over twice when they make you feel like it's all your fault. It's not your fault. I've found most everyone has either a pre-formed, ill-formed impression of me or no impression at all. And the basis of every being is the need to work at being Special. That's what life is. Life is carving away what is exactly the same about you as everyone else until all that's left is your exposed, naked and mundane soul. Because there really is no need for you to try so hard. You want to shed the parts of yourself that aren't original. You can't. Your very core belongs to someone else. It's rightfully owned by whoever made you (Whoever you believe in -- the centre of your belief system, basically).

And friendship;

Friendship's just become another taboo we're not supposed to uncover. It's an F word. And we've become a generation that goes against that taboo and we throw around the word 'friend' so loosely that it becomes another part of teenage novelty.

You don't become someone's friend until you truly understand them. You can be acquaintances, even if the word comes out looking cold and impersonal. What's really impersonal is that you can't even fathom the thought that maybe your 'friend' doesn't think about you the same way. You're not friends until you can hold someone's hand and prop her back up when her heart's about to fall out of her rib cage from the pressure of the consistent stabbing of her back.

You don't make friendship a commodity until you decide you want to use someone for your own personal advancement and advantage. It's........ I don't quite know how to explain. It's like I crave friendship and I give so much of myself to my friends, I don't quite know what's left in me to discern whether these relationships are real or not.

All these things that I have done

I'm so much older than I can take
(I think)

+/-

I have a feeling I'll always been alone. And it won't go away given any circumstance.

Youtube

Ok! I've deleted my youtube videos and am going to start vlogging again!

Oh, and I found film at the bottom of my Solar System school bag while I was clearing it out, so... whoever I meet later on, I hope you're in the mood for taking pictures or are just effortlessly photogenic.

Conversation yesterday
Secondary 3 girl: Why do you read magazines backwards *gives disgusted look*
Me: Why do you read magazines forwards?

I also watched Harry Potter and bumped into Frances at the cinema. HP was good and I do not understand why there have been so many bad reviews about it! No spoilers, I shall divulge. And my mom didn't like it that much. But I have loved every HP book and movie, but not as much as Natalie. Natalie stakes claim over all the Internet for being the Original Singaporean Harry Potter Fangirl. So if that's you walking along the corridors of St. Nicholas remarking on how much you like Draco Malfoy, then proceeding to proclaim yourself as the biggest HP fan ever, You have not met Natalie. And you would probably annoy her very much if you two should ever meet.

I ate popcorn from a cauldron and drank out of a wizard's hat.

The man in front of us insisted on removing his arm rest and sprawling between two seats, because arm rests are soooo below him and are for lesser people. Whatever.

Revelation

Atonement

I am jealous of the stranger living in my position, the one who can be counted as part of my exterior shell, who, in fact, is my entire exterior shell. The alien who accepts the way this cycle works - hurt, apologies, smiles, forgiveness (give or take the minutes it takes to forget the ones you've offended); laughs freely, is obnoxious when needed, quietens herself in the face of her Maker, comes off as a bit too interested in what the world has to offer... but all this because she is Okay. She isn't "Not okay" and sure as hell does not have days where she even begins to fathom what it would be like if she were "Not okay".

And if the Alien living as Me can put a tick next to society's checklist (Doesn't think about what would happen if she weren't alive? Check. Smiles when someone says Hello? Check. Gets angry when aggravated? Check.) then I am problem-free. But what if I decide to rear my ugly head in place of this Stranger/Alien/Complete Polar Opposite? What if I decide to think about what would happen if I weren't alive (I do); and stop smiling everytime someone greeted me (Well on my way there); or stare blankly at the space behind you when you provoke me? Then does that make me different? Finally?

And if I'm not Okay with restricting myself to the person I've built up the past 15 years?

It starts like this: the person you thought you were begins to slowly tear herself up; the process is slow but it exists. And then slowly, she leaves and there's no more fight for power, because you've won the first battle. But now you subject yourself to the highest highs and the lowest lows. You become less immune to tantrums. And you're no longer social. And anxiety is the norm for you (again) and it feels like even the simplest things become decisions you have to make (Should I breathe? Should I think?).

And then the real self-effacing stomach-sinking-to-pit moment happens and you realise that you are no longer You. And your friends start to leave you -- abandonment that's quiet and guilty (they know they should stick around, but they can't). They leave because they can't find a way to stay. And you think to yourself, that if there was blame to be put on shoulders, it would be theirs. They're too weak to handle me. But you know that the truth is, You can't even handle you, and that's why this monster that's been hiding in your body is now exposed, and you find yourself indulging in old habits (bad habits)

And you know the problem is you. So yeah... when it comes down to that, I don't know who will still be there. For now, I'm Okay. But tomorrow... tomorrow, I'm not so sure.

Firetruck.

About 7:36AM
I've been up since about 6.50, woke up and couldn't get back to sleep so I studied Organic Chemistry. Studying whenever I can, trying to patch up the holes in this little study schedule thing whilst hoping Hard Work is a good look on me. Going to watch HIMYM and Nip/Tuck after this. Will probably be yawning by the time I go for the wedding. But revising is important and it is beginning to consume my entire day. I work my entire schedule around it... but that's important right now... Yeah I'm a nerd *spontaneously combusts into a leprechaun carrying Ten Year Series*

Slept at 1 last night after I spotted a lizard on my ceiling (right above my head) as I lay down on my bed. Then proceeded to usher it out of my room using a paper ball repeatedly tossed NEAR it (not AT it... lizards have feelings too you know). Then fell asleep. Tiredness is next to Me Sleeping.

Potter mania has hit. Sigh.

Funny boys make me smile. Yes, it's not a lie. Read some Elle article about girls with short hair (me) who like articulate, funny guys (me). If you are articulate and funny, please show yourself. But only after November 13, thanks. If you have some pop culture knowledge, that's good, but even better if you can tell me who was in the latest supplement of Time (thanks Mrs Tan, you who generously donates your old copies of Time to the school library regularly). If you can form a complex sentence with double negatives, all WHILE remaining coherent and eloquent, I'm there.

Now I shall go back to watching HIMYM..... NPH is bringing sexy back one suit at the bar a time

Everyone has H1N1

I am aware I've been boring lately

Andrew MacMahon looks like an older McLovin'

Vanity Fair (the 2008 Young Hollywood issue) Random spammage ensues after the full stop.










I will be taking a life-altering examination in 3 months time. If I do well, I could go where I want to go. If I don't, then I won't. I won't. I don't know. Hate to sound like a victim of an ill-constructed education system, but... I mean, it's not that bad, but it's bad. Periodic tables, Qualitative Analysis (?), etc... at the expense of morals and basic decency.

No idea what I'm talking about

I get an A for being able to draw metaphors out of thin air

I will not be going to church tomorrow as I will be attending a wedding. And then there's Sunday. And then Monday rolls around and the week passes by. Then Saturday is Hillsong. Then Sunday. Then Monday, etc etc etc You get the idea

Need to take a nap then revise Chemistry and Biology!

Last night at the library we took a break and exchanged second-hand texts with Greg. Talked about REALLY OLD PEOPLE we do not know. Well, not REALLY OLD, within the range of 23 to 34. Yes.

I need something to blog about

Today everyone decided it was "Hate Sarah Day". I'm serious. I got emotionally abandoned by everyone for no effing reason. Yeah I don't really semi-curse. I can feel a lot of anger (mostly sadness) coursing through me now which is weird because I was calm at the start of this... But Mavis told me a cute joke

Mavis: What do you call something that's black and white, then white, then black, then white, then black and white again?
Me: I do not know
Mavis: A penguin rolling down a hill
Me: Hahahaha cute!

Mavis: Ok, what do you call something that's black and white and laughing?
Me: A laughing penguin
Mavis: Close
Me: A penguin after hearing this joke
Mavis: No
Me: I don't know
Mavis: The penguin who pushed the first penguin down the hill

Conversations

My mum is so cute

(talking about going to the wedding of this guy whose family has a history of being sexist and racist)
Me: why do I have to go? it's not like he'd come to mine even if I did invite him
Mum: because he will only get married once
Me: what makes you think he's only going to get married once?!?
Mum: second one you don't have to go

and

(talking about scene kids. she thinks they're called scene kids because they are 'seen' everywhere)
Mum: are they the ones with mullets all over the place?
Me: how do you know what a mullet is? (I meant this curiously, not in the YOU ARE LIVING UNDER A ROCK way. trust me, she reads US Weekly, she's def not living under a rock) billy ray cyrus?
Mum: nope, you told me before. business in the front, party in the back

if you would ask me

I don't feel like it everyday.

Sorry Sarah, I can't churn out funny posts like you. Right now I just feel like my heart has crawled out of my ribcage and into my throat and its just. Lying there. Biding its time. One day it'll fall out onto the plate before me and everyone at the party will look at me awkwardly for a while before bursting into laughter.

I feel like one by one, all my friends are going to get tired of me and my stupid anxiety attacks and my sick sad feelings and just get up and go. Quite possibly this will happen very soon. I mean, one can't deal with the same girl crying and throwing herself into corners weeping, right?

Which is why I don't want to ask certain people, "why aren't you there for me like I was for you?" because I feel like they do have a reason for this.. desertion

OK SORRY FOR THE EMO BLA BLA BLA I JUST FEEL SO TIRED OF MYSELF AND I CAN'T HELP FEELING THIS WAY ALL THE TIME. AND ANOTHER FRIEND JUST TOLD ME "MAYBE ITS CUZ YOU TAKE SO MUCH AND YOU DON'T GIVE" THIS MAKES ME WANT TO CRUMPLE AND FOLD INWARDS.

because i do give, i give so much of myself till i feel like i'm a vacuum of other people's feelings.

ok, WHATEVER

MY LIFE IS AWESOME

also, i have a cheesecake baking in the oven.

i love you,

N

Death and All His Friends

No, I don't want a battle from beginning to end
I don't want a cycle of recycled revenge
I don't want to follow death and all of his friends

Quoting Albus Dumbledore

"To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure."

Reverse psychology

Mac users read backwards

Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping
Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping in

Dirty Projectors - Two Doves

Someone posted this on 2amtomorning
It is lovely

Hey Mercedes or Shermaine

So the other day we were playing a round of "Guess-the-band" and Shermaine played a lovely song for me and I was totally KLUELESS. She gave me some clues, and our conversation went something like this:

Sarah: What's the first letter of the first word? | Sherm: M.
Sarah: What's the second letter of the first word? | Sherm: A.
Sarah: How many words are there? | Sherm: 3.
Sarah: What's the first letter of the last word? | Sherm: S.
Sarah: What's the second letter of the last word? | Sherm: T.
Sarah: What's the first letter of the second word? | Sherm: O.
Sarah: What's the second letter of the second word? | Sherm: ... F....
Sarah: FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE. | Sherm: No.

Anyway, the answer was Mates of State. Just wanted to include that little excerpt up there to a) thank Shermaine and b) inject some humour into my lifeless blog.

Ok, Mates of State - Lullaby Haze



x P(i)SS.

Subliminal messages

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

All hail the Queen

Emma Watson
for
Teen Vogue August 2009

Kale!

Watched I Love You, Man today. Sweet! That's all I'll say until you watch it yourself to behold the awesomeness that is two white dudes attempting (and succeeding!) and forming a bromance. (Shermaine's word of yesterday). Going to a book fair with Ben and Natz tomorrow yay!

Watching Disturbia, starting on my English essay and compiling recipes. I'm a multi-tasker. Oh goooood this scene makes me cry

Nat and I are going to set up a restaurant together, and I'll be the chef and she'll be the pastry chef. I was reading in 8 Days and they EXPOSED the weekend vegetable market. Shit you eight days. Shit u! Anyway. Here I am compiling my recipes.

Nicole if you are reading this, wanna meet up on Saturday before church? Go grocery-shopping :) Sherm, Oli, Sam, Jo, Jianny etc etc too if you guys are looking for a good time with some brightly-coloured vegetables. Strictly platonic, of course.

Anyway. A recipe a day, until I don't feel like posting.

Easy one for today. It's so easy it shouldn't even be called cooking. Ok. It's not cooking.

1. Israeli Hummus (I hate all other kinds)
from myjewishlearning (apt)

~*~*~HOLD UP~*~*~
!HUMMUS GOOGLE IMAGE PICSPAM!
(mostly in compromising positions with various other food groups)

Hummus is: CELEBRITY-ENDORSED~*~*~



4 FOR U BCOCO, YOU GO BCOCO!
(by the way it was his birthday yesterday /creepy killers fan)

Anyway.

YIELD: About four cups, or six-to-eight servings

1 cup dried chickpeas
1 cup tahina
1/2 cup lemon juice, or to taste
2 cloves garlic, or to taste
1 teaspoon salt
Freshly ground pepper to taste
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin, or to taste
3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
2 tablespoons pine nuts
Dash of paprika or sumac
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley or cilantro
(You can get everything at Cold Storage. Word)

1. Put the raw chickpeas in a bowl with cold water to cover and soak overnight.

2. Drain and rinse the chickpeas, then place them in a heavy pot with enough cold water to cover. Bring to a boil, then simmer, partially covered, for about an hour or until the chickpeas are soft and the skin begins to separate. Add more water as needed.

3. Drain the chickpeas, reserving about 1-1/2cups of the cooking liquid. Set aside 1/4cup of the cooked chickpeas for garnish. In a food processor fitted with a steel blade, process the remaining chickpeas with the tahina, lemon juice, garlic, salt, pepper, cumin, and at least 1/2 cup of the reserved cooking liquid. If the hummus is too thick, add more reserved cooking liquid or water until you have a paste-like consistency.

4. Heat a frying pan and add 1 tablespoon of the olive oil. Spread the pine nuts in the pan and stir-fry, browning on all sides.

5. To serve, transfer the hummus to a large, flat plate, and with the back of a spoon make a slight depression in the center. Drizzle the remaining olive oil on top and sprinkle the reserved chickpeas, pine nuts, paprika or sumac, and parsley or cilantro over the surface.

6. Serve with cut-up raw vegetables and warm pita cut into wedges

Note: You can also add cayenne pepper to the hummus. Sometimes leftover hummus tends to thicken just add some water to make it the right consistency.

It's easy and yummmmy.

Ok back to Aaron Yoo playing sidekick to Shia. x

Noah and the Whale

Oh, well it's hard to look deep into your soul.
Not everything you'll find will be perfect gold.
There are ghosts and demons that hide in the dark. Oh, they wait till you find them and then they laugh. Oh, they know that my body is no way good enough. Know that my heart is no way strong enough for the missiles that love brings. When I recoil in fear, oh, the demons shake.

But it's a hollow love for a heart with no blood
in it's veins.

Oh, there is no endless devotion,
that is free from the force of erosion.
Oh, if you don't believe in God, how can you believe in life? When we're all just matter that will one day scatter, when peaceful the world lays us down. Oh and finding love is a matter of luck, and unsettled lovers move from fuck to fuck. Oh, and compare their achievements like discussing And compare their abrasions with romantic quotations, oh, as peaceful, the world watches down.

You were blown out of the water.
Oh, and we walk o the feet we have grown.
And we were given a heart, of which love is a part. Oh, and we cornered the thing from which all life will spring. And it gave value to the world.

Nervous.

Ignore everything and Ignore everyone and
Shut everyone out and Shut everything out

Either/or.

Hey

I still care.

Goodbyes

In a big, big way
I am really small
I get off my feet
But I'm still distant

like a Little Kid playing Dress Up

Things to do before 2PM:
a) Make my bed (literally)
b) Clear my desk
c) Text someone to tell them to take a cab from the station
d) Literature - AMND essay
e) Literature - whale rider cue cards
f) Math review 7f
g) English - essay

We're having a slumber party!